Origami Swan

(VERY EXPLICIT BLOG.  SKIP THIS IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY PROFANITY)

Despite popular belief, I'm not perfect.  I've made poor judgement calls, shopped impulsively, and in my dating years, flirted with bad boys.  I can forgive myself because its all a part of the learning experience.  And the great thing about life is its continuous, so you always have a chance to learn.

Or just fuck up.

Back in February of this year, I was feeling unloved, unwanted and just lonely.  No job, my family far away, I found comfort in Facebook.  I chatted with friends back in NYC on PM.  And then John the former lover began to message me.

John is married.  With THREE children.

Our private message was very explicit, not so different from the current political scandal.  I'm my lowest saddest weakest moment, I agreed to see him in June for a 3 day fuckfest.  His wife and children would be in their home on the East Coast; he travels for a living.

I spoke with my spiritual advisor, Jane.  She admonished me.  She let me have it.  I debated with her. "If he's screwing behind his wife's back, I may as well get in line!"  "It's wrong Jane, don't respond to him, don't do it."  I went into meditation.  After an hour, I felt calm and clear.  I deleted him from my Facebook friends, my address book, everywhere.

Aside from the spiritual hurt I would cause the wife and children, I would hurt myself.  The lonely feelings were my own; I had been so far removed from myself, I had forgotten how to love myself.  I nurtured myself again, gently lovingly.

Life went on, in its fantastic magical way.  I got stronger.  I found my Venus within and I loved her.  I began acting in a play, pouring all my energy into the role.  I got a full time job.  I began to actively listen to myself; what am I hungry for, what makes me laugh out loud?  I turned off the news and began to read again.  I played with my daughter, Mini Me Jane.  I laughed, a lot.  And I got wiser.

As soon as the calendar page turned to June, John the Married sent me an email on Facebook (I forgot to block him). "I hope to see you, I'm in town and I miss you."

A married man will fold himself into an Origami Swan for a 51% chance of not-his-wife Pussy.  He will forget your birthday, he will leave the toilet seat up, but if there is a slight possibility that he will have different pussy at some time during the next 24 hours, that motherfucker is now center stage spotlight at Cirque du Fucking Soliel, sticking his God Damn ass into his nose on a fucking trapeze.

I deleted the message.  24 hours later, he wrote another one.  I deleted that as well.

He was under the impression that I was frozen in anticipation of our tryst, that I would drive out of state for a naughty sex hook-up.  Four months ago, I would have.  Had it not been for Jane my spiritual advisor and me, being true to myself and my needs, I would have done it.  I forgive myself for that past thinking.  In this truth where I stand today, I recall what I heard in meditation - I am WORTHY of better.  I am worthy of a great love, and it begins in the mirror.  I am not a stepping stone, nor just a piece of ass.

I am a whole, loving beautiful person.  I am, I AM.  My actions are not singular; they travel forward and touch everyone.  When I love myself fully, wholly, I am passing that love to everyone I come in contact with, and like rays of light, it spreads.

I'm not perfect. I don't want to be.  I make mistakes.  And I'm okay with that, because they are my own mistakes, and in the large scope of life, they are minor.  I do have a very clear idea of right and wrong, good and bad.  That matters to me.  I can look myself in the eyes and see a woman with integrity and confidence.  I hold myself accountable for all my actions, and I know I've taken the high road.  That is my truth.

So FUCK those Origami Swans; may they tear and break their fucking necks.

The Unspoken Dating Dialogue (#1)

Him: You ARE attractive.
Her: I'm glad you noticed.
Him: Let's go out.
Her: Ok.

(After the date)

Her: I had a good time.
Him: (Silence)
Her: I'd like to see you again.
Him: Back off!  You're going way too fast!  Don't tie me down! Poor desperate woman!  I'M GOING TO RUN AWAY!! LEAVE ME ALONE STALKER!!!!

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