Mini-Me Jane will be five years old in January. Like every other girl, she plays with Barbie dolls, walks in my shoes, and knows to eat healthy snacks. She will always ask for fruit before candy. I raised her that way. We play Abby & Emma dress up dolls, she sings, and she love to watch movies. She gets that quirk from me.
I am extremely conscious of a heartbreaking trend that my daughter might one day desire. I've seen this persistent backward trend on television and in the movies. In casual conversations, I've heard it repeated. I've seen the after effects of this trend, and I've ever seen this trend fail. And unfortunately, this trend is just for girls. I dread to hear these word:
"All my life I dreamed about my wedding day."
"One day I hope I marry a wonderful man."
"I just won't be happy until I get married."
"I just don't know where I would be without my husband."
Let me quickly say; I'm NOT against marriage. If you meet a wonderful fantastic person that promises to walk with you in the valleys and mountains of your life, you are fortunate. My issue is declaring marriage for a woman is the end all, be all, GOAL in life. Such an expectation is rarely placed on men. Men are expected to be successful in their career, (didn't your mother want you to MARRY a doctor?), their homes, and their personal achievements (climbing Mt. Everest, creating Viagra).
I have sat with now divorced women who look lovingly at their wedding photos. "I was so beautiful that day, so thin. It was the best day of my life." They collapse into tears. "My life is over!" They are 35 years old. They look around as if pages of truth will peel from the walls. "What will I do? Who would want me, now?"
You're kidding me, right?
When I was a little Jane, growing up in the Apple, I would daydream about my Oscar speech. Really. I would pretend to be on the Johnny Carson show, and talk about living in Florida, and my upcoming film. Performing was my goal in life. My mom never gushed about weddings. Hell, Mom didn't even wear make-up. Mom always took me to my dance classes, acting classes. She never sat down with me to talk about weddings and marriage. My cousins & I never had that talk either.
I believe my mom and pop had such faith and love in me, they did all they could to cultivate my character. We traveled, along with my brother the Rock Star, all over the world. At no point was "wedding" discussed. When I was in my twenties, my father began the gentle "lean"; when will you find a husband, Janie? As if my monthly Husband Catalog were piled high and deep in the hallway, collecting dust. I was still working on that Oscar speech. At the same time, I was writing plays, back in school, working a job, digging myself deep in credit card debt. I was living life. When I reached my thirties, I finally thought about having a mate, a partner in crime, a husband.
And after a mild quiet divorce, I'm still thinking about finding him. But its NOT my goal in life. I'm STILL working on my speech.
I want my Mini Me Jane to have a rich fantastic life with a career, a home, and an incredible wardrobe. I want my Mini Me Jane to be proud and confident with her body, her hair, her face. If she goes to Yale or community college, I want her to follow her dream. I want her to have personal achievement goals, and I will do all I can to help her accomplish them. And if along the way she meets someone, and they are lucky and brave enough to ask her to marry them, I hope she continues her goals. This is what I want for my daughter.
Monday, December 13, 2010
They Might be Monsters
I do my best to go out into the world with an open heart. The angry driver who cuts me off, the smarmy barista that barely cracks a smile; I know these attitudes are not directed at me, I just happen to be there. I wish no ill will to these people. In fact, I wish them peace and content and understanding. But, on occasion I have come across people with "monster" mentality. That is when I run the other way like my life depended on it.
We encounter monsters almost every day. Sometimes we are related to them. Like most horror movies, there are red flags and signs to indicate a monster is present. It is your right to save yourself before you become "one of them". I have come up with four monsters and ways you can escape.
The Vampire: Your girlfriend has a great home, children and husband. You go to visit her one day, and in 15 minutes she has convinced you to color your hair, buy $300 jeans, participate in the cookie exchange, and go dancing on Saturday night. This isn't the Twilight vampire you daydream about. This vampire sucks your energy and hypnotizes you into poor judgment decisions. You know you've encountered a vampire when you get home tired, late, and overall confused. Why did I do that? you ask yourself. The best defense from a vampire is avoidance. Don't go into their "lair", meet in a public place and stick to your time limit. Vampires get off on the attention. Give them less of yours and suddenly they are looking for another victim.
The Mummy: Your co-worker watches every reality show ever created, buys only high end handbags, clothes, and is constantly complaining about her wrinkles, grey hair. Then she gossips about everyone. The mummy is wrapped up in superficiality, which hides the personal insecurities. Always trying to compete with the celebrities in the rag magazines, mummy-mentality seeks comfort and company in misery. To defeat the mummy you need to keep your mouth shut. Give them no input, no information. Once the mummy realizes you are no longer a viable soundboard, your boring quiet life is no longer of interest.
The Zombie: I had a job interview a few weeks ago. I met with a woman who was out of breath and immediately assigned me a myriad of tasks. Her cell phone went off and she took the call. We were 3 minutes into the interview, and I knew about her ailing father, her divorce, her lack of funds and her desire to find hard working people for her business. The zombie is often late, always busy doing something, and needs your help . They never take a moment to heal, they don't even know they are injured, but they want YOU to take care of them. NOW. Just like the movies, your best defense is to block the zombie from grabbing you. You become equally busy and unavailable. Cold? Yes. But the zombie is trying to off load their issues for you to resolve. You have your own things to take care of.
The Ghost: Remember the time in high school when you wore that outfit and the teacher made a comment? Remember when you were dating that guy with the hair and what he said at dinner? Of course you don't, but the ghost does. The ghost mentality lives and thrives in the past. Most of the time, they recall their accomplishments and your humiliations. They remind you of the turkey you undercooked three years ago, or how much you drank on that girls' weekend. The ghost doesn't want anyone to point out their imperfections so they are quick to point out everyone else's. Even if they have to dredge up your imperfections from last century. Keep conversations in the present with a ghost (what are you doing this weekend) and deflect the past comments by laughing it off.
All monster mentality people ultimately ignore their own feelings of pain and fear. Life isn't an easy skip in the meadow. Sometimes it rains, sometimes you get hurt. You can become a monster and run away from those problems, or you can be the triumphant hero and battle those problems. Pick up your shield and sword, get your boots muddy, and deal with your own problems in your own pace.
We encounter monsters almost every day. Sometimes we are related to them. Like most horror movies, there are red flags and signs to indicate a monster is present. It is your right to save yourself before you become "one of them". I have come up with four monsters and ways you can escape.
The Vampire: Your girlfriend has a great home, children and husband. You go to visit her one day, and in 15 minutes she has convinced you to color your hair, buy $300 jeans, participate in the cookie exchange, and go dancing on Saturday night. This isn't the Twilight vampire you daydream about. This vampire sucks your energy and hypnotizes you into poor judgment decisions. You know you've encountered a vampire when you get home tired, late, and overall confused. Why did I do that? you ask yourself. The best defense from a vampire is avoidance. Don't go into their "lair", meet in a public place and stick to your time limit. Vampires get off on the attention. Give them less of yours and suddenly they are looking for another victim.
The Mummy: Your co-worker watches every reality show ever created, buys only high end handbags, clothes, and is constantly complaining about her wrinkles, grey hair. Then she gossips about everyone. The mummy is wrapped up in superficiality, which hides the personal insecurities. Always trying to compete with the celebrities in the rag magazines, mummy-mentality seeks comfort and company in misery. To defeat the mummy you need to keep your mouth shut. Give them no input, no information. Once the mummy realizes you are no longer a viable soundboard, your boring quiet life is no longer of interest.
The Zombie: I had a job interview a few weeks ago. I met with a woman who was out of breath and immediately assigned me a myriad of tasks. Her cell phone went off and she took the call. We were 3 minutes into the interview, and I knew about her ailing father, her divorce, her lack of funds and her desire to find hard working people for her business. The zombie is often late, always busy doing something, and needs your help . They never take a moment to heal, they don't even know they are injured, but they want YOU to take care of them. NOW. Just like the movies, your best defense is to block the zombie from grabbing you. You become equally busy and unavailable. Cold? Yes. But the zombie is trying to off load their issues for you to resolve. You have your own things to take care of.
The Ghost: Remember the time in high school when you wore that outfit and the teacher made a comment? Remember when you were dating that guy with the hair and what he said at dinner? Of course you don't, but the ghost does. The ghost mentality lives and thrives in the past. Most of the time, they recall their accomplishments and your humiliations. They remind you of the turkey you undercooked three years ago, or how much you drank on that girls' weekend. The ghost doesn't want anyone to point out their imperfections so they are quick to point out everyone else's. Even if they have to dredge up your imperfections from last century. Keep conversations in the present with a ghost (what are you doing this weekend) and deflect the past comments by laughing it off.
All monster mentality people ultimately ignore their own feelings of pain and fear. Life isn't an easy skip in the meadow. Sometimes it rains, sometimes you get hurt. You can become a monster and run away from those problems, or you can be the triumphant hero and battle those problems. Pick up your shield and sword, get your boots muddy, and deal with your own problems in your own pace.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Definitions and references
Out of respect for my friends and family, I won't use real names. Women will be "Jane", men will be "John". I will differentiate them by their traits. For example, John the Rock Star is my brother, Jane the Fierce Lion is my friend who lives West. Only I will know who I'm really talking about.
I'm being vague for a reason. When you strip away a person's identity, their name, their job title, you are left with describing them by their actions, not how they look. You then need to describe a person by the quality of their character.
This blog is not meant to slam or blast people either. That requires a lot of effort, and frankly, I would like to use my powers for good. I will, however, voice my humble opinion on issues or trends that get under my skin. I'm not a fan of television, I don't have any cable channels. I don't schedule my life around what's on that night. I watch scripted shows, and I'm a fan of Oprah. I reference her A LOT. I deplore gossip, celebrity and otherwise. I understand why our society has such an obsession with it. I won't spread tales or half-truths on here.
Finally, I'm writing this blog because I love to write, and I believe I have a relatable story to tell. So read on....
I'm being vague for a reason. When you strip away a person's identity, their name, their job title, you are left with describing them by their actions, not how they look. You then need to describe a person by the quality of their character.
This blog is not meant to slam or blast people either. That requires a lot of effort, and frankly, I would like to use my powers for good. I will, however, voice my humble opinion on issues or trends that get under my skin. I'm not a fan of television, I don't have any cable channels. I don't schedule my life around what's on that night. I watch scripted shows, and I'm a fan of Oprah. I reference her A LOT. I deplore gossip, celebrity and otherwise. I understand why our society has such an obsession with it. I won't spread tales or half-truths on here.
Finally, I'm writing this blog because I love to write, and I believe I have a relatable story to tell. So read on....
I'm like you, and then no
My experiences are similar to yours, and perhaps way off the map. Here come the "labels":
I am an American woman, born and raised in NYC, now living in Pittsburgh.
I'm 41 years old, but I'm often mistaken for late twenties.
I am the mother to an almost 5 year old girl.
I am separated, divorce pending.
I am the daughter of parents 40+ years married; my father is, for clarity sake, in a coma, while my mom still lives at home.
I am the sister to a brother with developmental disabilities. He live at home with Mom.
I am currently unemployed.
I am an actress by education and passion.
I don't smoke or do drugs, which makes me "smart" and "healthy".
I've made the conscious decision to decrease my social drinking, which makes me "weird".
Those are the "labels" with which my ego or personality identifies. In a spiritual sense, I am NOT any of those things. I am just here. Eckhart Tolle writes, "You are here to enable the Divine Purpose of the Universe to unfold." I'm doing my best to be that purpose, while still living in a space where "labels" are required.
My Double Normal Life is this new dual situation I have placed myself. This didn't HAPPEN to me, I didn't wake up and FIND myself here. I take full responsibility and accountability, a rare quality trait I wish more of us would embrace. Sometimes I'm Mom; pick up drop off feed bathe entertain adore admonish. Sometimes I'm Single; dance flirt date eat shower adore advise. When I'm with my daughter, I am present; I eat up every moment, I go into Mom mode. However, when I'm Single, doing adult things, I never forget I'm a mom. Still a mom. And a sister. And a daughter.
I have my own condo. I haven't lived on my own since 2000. I like to think this is the Universe's way of saying "Do over, hard reset". I was very far from being a domestic Goddess before; I have even less aspirations of that label now. I do believe in making great cooked meals, and having a home that is cozy and relaxed. And I do rush and clean 20 minutes before company comes. Most of the time the dishes are in the sink. This is why we are in a recession, right?
I've had drama, tragedy and comedy. I've witnessed cool things and horrible things. I don't know everything, but I know a lot about some things, and very little about most. I know right from wrong, and what's best from what's not that bad.
I'm like you, but I'm me.
I am an American woman, born and raised in NYC, now living in Pittsburgh.
I'm 41 years old, but I'm often mistaken for late twenties.
I am the mother to an almost 5 year old girl.
I am separated, divorce pending.
I am the daughter of parents 40+ years married; my father is, for clarity sake, in a coma, while my mom still lives at home.
I am the sister to a brother with developmental disabilities. He live at home with Mom.
I am currently unemployed.
I am an actress by education and passion.
I don't smoke or do drugs, which makes me "smart" and "healthy".
I've made the conscious decision to decrease my social drinking, which makes me "weird".
Those are the "labels" with which my ego or personality identifies. In a spiritual sense, I am NOT any of those things. I am just here. Eckhart Tolle writes, "You are here to enable the Divine Purpose of the Universe to unfold." I'm doing my best to be that purpose, while still living in a space where "labels" are required.
My Double Normal Life is this new dual situation I have placed myself. This didn't HAPPEN to me, I didn't wake up and FIND myself here. I take full responsibility and accountability, a rare quality trait I wish more of us would embrace. Sometimes I'm Mom; pick up drop off feed bathe entertain adore admonish. Sometimes I'm Single; dance flirt date eat shower adore advise. When I'm with my daughter, I am present; I eat up every moment, I go into Mom mode. However, when I'm Single, doing adult things, I never forget I'm a mom. Still a mom. And a sister. And a daughter.
I have my own condo. I haven't lived on my own since 2000. I like to think this is the Universe's way of saying "Do over, hard reset". I was very far from being a domestic Goddess before; I have even less aspirations of that label now. I do believe in making great cooked meals, and having a home that is cozy and relaxed. And I do rush and clean 20 minutes before company comes. Most of the time the dishes are in the sink. This is why we are in a recession, right?
I've had drama, tragedy and comedy. I've witnessed cool things and horrible things. I don't know everything, but I know a lot about some things, and very little about most. I know right from wrong, and what's best from what's not that bad.
I'm like you, but I'm me.
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